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Funniest Joke(s)! *PRIZES*


zalipolo
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So I decided to do something just for fun. Whoever tells me the best joke this week (ending saturday 11:59 PM) will win a prize. I will be picking a 1st and 2nd place
Rules: you can only post 1 joke, can be dirty or clean.

                                                   Prizes

1st place: Choice of MVP or any game on steam up to $30

2nd place: Choice of VIP or any game on steam up to $15

 

 

 

note: I didn't think this one through, literally just thought id give some people some stuff so have fun! 

Also if you want to give the MVP/VIP or any of the games you wish to get for a friend just let me know it's all good. Also willing to buy games up to the amount you win. WINNERS you have 4 days to get back in contact with me to get your winnings, when you get in contact with me you have exactly 24 hours to spend your money or tell me what you want.

Disqualification could happen! 

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

 

Where's my prize?!?
 

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1.First joke

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

 

2. Second joke

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.”
“What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, there's Stanley with them two ass-holes.”

 

3. Proft

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

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Random short jokes:

Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

 - Because they can't C#

 

Why does a blonde chick put milk in her underwear?

 - To feed her pussy.

 

Blonde chick goes to the pharmacy:
 - "Excuse me, do you have a pregnancy test?"

 - "Of course."

 - "Are the questions hard though?"

 

Why does a blonde chick keep her computer on the floor?

 - So that the system doesn't crash.

 

What is common to a blonde chick and a hen?

 - They both usually sit on balls.

 

Racist jokes, do not read if you're not amused by these kind of jokes:

What's the connection between a black man and a tree?

 - A rope.

 

What does a black man have, but is white?

 - An owner.

 

Why do white people shop at black people's yard sales?

 - To get their stuff back.

 

What did God say when he made the first black man?

 - "Damn, this one's burnt."

 

Why are Aspirins white?

 - Because they work.

 

A lengthy joke:

A young man enters a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist:

 - "Excuse me, can I buy a condom? My girlfriend invited me over for dinner tonight, and I think she's expecting something special from me."

The pharmacist then hands him a condom.

As he is about to leave, he turns around, and goes:

 - Actually, give me one more. Her sister always teases me, and she's pretty cute too, I think she might be expecting a little something too."

He then hands him another condom.

As he is about to leave, he goes:

 - As a matter of fact, give me one more. Their mom is pretty good-looking woman, and she's the one that invited me over for dinner, sooo, you never know..."

The young man then pays for the condoms and walks out of the pharmacy.

 

During dinner time, the young man was sitting alongside his girlfriend, and the sister and mother were sitting accross them.

Then, the father approaches the table.

The family begins to pray.

 - "Dear Lord, thank You for blessing this table..."

 

10 minutes later, the young man is still praying.

Everyone was looking surprised, especially the girlfriend.

She leans in and whispers in his ear:

 - "Wow, I didn't know you were so religious!"

And he goes:

 - "Yah, well, I didn't know that your father was a pharmacist!"

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A cowboy, an indian and a nigger are sitting at the bar. The indian says, “Once my people were many, now we are few." The nigger says, “Well, once my people were few, now we are many." The cowboy leans over and says, “That's because we haven’t played Cowboys and Niggers yet."

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  • Director of Administration

You can just look jokes from internet and no one couldn't know it...

 

 

What you do if you see bloody nigga running in your backyard? Shoot it again

This one made me laugh so hard!! XDDDDD

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